this is another half arsed attempt.

well i did the bare minimum today, got the bomb put under me and moved forward, a little. letters were written & zines were copied (my originals, no stealing you unnerstand). i guess in the small picture this is good, in the big picture it is a piss in the ocean.

''how you doin?''

''standing on the abyss, trying not to slip.''

progress i guess. of sorts. i need to practice action, writing action. doing action too for that matter. 

couldn't even get it together to hit the publish button, good grief. i will keep trying tho peeps. xxx

he walked into the room and it was not like he had imagined.

xxx or i'm trying a bit of self love.

i cant say im not knocked down but i guess i'm not defeated. i do keep making positive steps, steps that i have wanted to take for a long time, but in terms of real life i...

i need to get creative here, i need to refind flow. i want to get a style. ok, think of summing to write about.

oh look guys, i'm gunna find summing to post for you, summing better than this shite. you dont have to put up with this

so i’m on another train but it’s not another day it’s night time and i’m heading back to lego land with a thorn in my side and a morrissey cd in my backpack, but the funny thing about being on the train from warnambol is that it’s moving when you join it, mid-journey and it’s a fast moving train where i get the feeling that it could be the gypsy train to nowhere. but i’m going somewhere baby; i’m going “places”. the place i arrive at is luckily my destination and i’m about to transact some business with a fish monger when i realise i’m flat broke (as well as broken). stoney broke like the cobbles that i stand on. dead broke like the fish eyes and their fixed stare. their mouths glisten and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. he tells me i’m well into the next page and that this book isn’t as entertaining as he’d hoped. and even i am craving a little more excitement this far in so i negotiate with the fish monger for a blow job in exchange for a blow fish, but he doesn’t seem too interested unless i do his son. now i’m not sure if it’s his dick in my mouth or my mouth on his dick, but either way we’re both enjoying it and i’m confident the cat will get fed tonight

ok i think i am slowly talking myself down, but still not moving forward in any real way. is that ok? ''do wot you can'' but am i just fooling myself. the paralysis is still here & in a lot of ways i feel like im back to square zero but i cant keep up the negative spiral. i know that shit is happening on the inside of me, and in some ways i am revelling in the tears - that have finally arrived, but is it wot i need?

oh did i tell you i took a pill?

i still have to think of a title for this post, i guess i have a while. and also focus on the wins i had today. i made my appointment, i made it out to coffee, i networked, i set up a good reads account...there were losses, but, well, theyre not poetic.

what is it with people these days?

well it may be the tall poppy syndrome gone feral but it seems to me that no one takes enjoyment in the achievements of others. another nail in the culture coffin? maybe. i know i am pretty cynical but really, i opened myself up th the real world & all i see is ego & self promotion. it makes me less proud to ''share'' my art with others who share no one elses but themselves.

i'll be back...ok i am back & feeling a little better, a little more rational, but no less hurting. people are perplexing so i just have to keep looking at how i contribute to my feelings. right now it does feel like people fuck me over just because i open up to them. they talk me round then dump me, why? hmmm.

today i may stop crying.

well, maybe. depends if the cause is envoronmental or clinical. either way there seems no end in sight. but i will take one tiny tolerant step today i hope & actually get my blood taken, prepare for the bang when hopefully shit will get dealt with.

just write, but dont forget the full stops. why do i get drawn into other people's fantasies? why do people lie? it is a mystery to me, the way people move through the world, the way they relate. am i really that fucken stupid? or naive? i get told no but the end result remains the same. me. here. alone. why do i let the glimmers in? cos i have to? the middle way does not exist or if it does it is notoriously hard to find. and wot about that little editor that sits on my shoulder. he's happy to give advice unsolicited but where is he wen i need him? where is he when i am going one step too far on my own? fucking cock sucking cunt. & yes i know my insults make no logical sense, & will prolly come back to bite me in the tender parts - like everything else of myself that i try to put out there but fuck off to that too. i am soooo lost at the moment. hiding does not hold the satisfaction it used to but then reaching out makes me feel more shitty than ever before. well ever since adolescence.

wow, now there's a paragraph, thanks flow.

i'm crying into my coffee right now

ok i know its my paranoia, but that doesn't stop it hurting. i am sick of being led to the water, talked into how good drinking is then having the plug pulled and watch as EVERYTHING runs away. openess gets you nowhere, so does hiding so im baffled as to wot the answer is. self harm & self destructive behaviour feels so good but it is intrinsically negative, but wot is the answer for growth? how does anybody move forward? how do others do it?

unreachable but very visible.

living my life to this formula sucks the big one.

and suddenly its not the apocalypse so i'm left with preparations and too much adrenalin, nowhere to hide when i'm in the moment, bodyscanning like a scientist, like there's no tomorrow. but tomorrow needs to be prepared for because now is not how i want to be.

aaaahhhhhh!

... i'm (re)moving sum shit from facebook

things i need to get out of my notebook pt. 5.

By Kerryn Tredrea· Tuesday, December 28, 2010

the kid with the charlie brown head
knows that there is no good grief
when his mother wont stop crying
& there is always an empty seat
at the dinner table.

things i need to get out of my notebook pt 6

by Kerryn Tredrea on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 4:46pm

the man next door has helicopter hands
that make all the window frames rattle.
he's never far from a landing.
his crashpad crotch scratched
gravel red from poor nail care
and rough masturbation.
he rarely ventures out as his hands
are extentions of his dark, dark heart.

things i need to get out of my notebook pt. 7.

by Kerryn Tredrea on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 4:58pm

creatively making mistakes but staying mindful of the traps they set. it's in the lusciousness (lushiousity) of your lips, the first piece of the puzzle that inspires me to carry on the charade of living partially, partially closed lips becoming partially open. partial reality flicks me the bird but the dog still hasn't let me off the leash, not completely. & i just know that when he does it will be on the edge of somewhere steep, on the peak of something dangerous so it will be up to me to navigate the gravel & rocks & scrapes & cuts to get to the bottom & back in the saddle.

things i need to get out of my notebook pt. 8.

by Kerryn Tredrea on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 at 5:08pm

so it's another day, a brand new day, not quite through the looking glass but the world i inhabit is strange & mysterious with many gifts & rewards but also many risks, pot holes, pitfalls. & all i need is a confidence shield to deflect the tyrany of "other people". still, i've gotta believe that this is a better way. i am aware of my environment it may hurt my ears right now but this will pass with patience. awareness, be aware, act aware, absorb, check your phone. aware. game on.

more hmmm...

ok it seems that my enemies are everywhere & some of them are dressed as friends. i just dont seem to be able to get a foothold. every time i climb a little higher but that just makes the crash from higher, from faster, from harder. but again the question is... what's the alternative?

i missed the eclipse & it all went to shit.

too damn tired but the concept remains sound.

hmmm...

so it's another day & i'm over touch typing i just want a wanted touch, there are sooo many kinds out there but there are only certain kinds i really want. all of them right now are out of my reach. even my vibrator.

im trying to talk myself calm, trying to find the middle way. deep breath. it's not always the worst case scenario but oftentimes it ends up with me being the loser.

ok, tomorrow is the shortest day, so it follows that tomorrow night. well, yeah, is there anything spiritual with the solstice? is it like the tide and the moon? the moon and the lunatics? ive usually noticed it, felt it, and then on course there was theeeee longest night. i think it is good to note the seasons, time must pass and we must mark it. it is one of our melancholies. but if you dont, like a birthday, you get lost in time, until there is another passage that gets you through. another thunderstorm, another summer, another national tragedy.

post to save, then come back. sensible huh?

oh dear...

i will not be defeated @ the first hurdle.

just lemme finish fixing my 2 minute noodles....

ok, hijacked by my best intentions, again,

iv got so much to deal with but i do not wanna look at any of it. on the plus side i seem to be touch typing, well, nearly.

so im back in place & back on deck, back to leaning & one handed typing. contemplating the bottle, weighing up the effort to get a mixer & the merits of drinking it straight - from the bottle. the television tells me stories where little or no learning occurs except i seem to be discovring that it does have an off switch & i do have the power.

hey, this is just like my notebook but techier.

you know there's a lot at steak here...

...i'm writing this blog to put of some dangerous practices.

ok why have i started this, because i want to see where it will go. letting the dog off the leash and digging a bit deeper again. i have made some positive changes lately, faced a few challenges but i would like to think that my patience, compassion & love with people will finally make me a winner.

well it's tiny tolerant steps, this is the first post so i can get to sleep early tonite (a rare treat) and be stronger for tomorrow...

ok plan derailed but it is all good. i go to bed with my heart a little more content in the knowledge that there is just one big sky...

oh my. oh well, a little more star gazing then i will sleep.